Tuesday, July 28, 2009

feeling a little bleak: take two.

warning: do not read this if you find yourself in any particularly pleasant mood.

remember this girl? that happy girl, with a love for adventure and anything slightly ridiculous and terribly childish?
well, i remember her. and i miss her. though i try and stay positive, today i just cannot do it. i know that i am so blessed in my life and have a million reasons to be happy, but today, this whole chronic illness thing has really gotten me down. being ill for all but four months since march 2008 may not seem that bad, but it is really starting to break me down again. and i think i am finally starting to realize why.
i have always been a summer person. i live for the freedom, the tennis matches in the heat, the boating excursions at the lake, the summer jobs, the cheery rockies games, and the adventures. and as this summer is coming to a close, it's finally hitting me that my summer has slipped away, all while i was resting, in bed. i am re-living those horrid winter memories of my dealings with mono. i wake up in the morning, cry, and want to go back to bed. i am always on the verge of tears-- those poor pharmacists have seen a few too many exasperated tears from me. i see all of the summer sunshine through the window and long to be outside, going for an run through the colorado foothills... though i know it is simply wishful thinking, seeing as i can't even run 1/2 mile at present. and the hardest part is the loneliness; this year has brought loneliness unlike anything i've ever felt. i feel like such a burden to my friends and family. i miss my older brother and my boyfriend. i feel the furthest from anything anyone has ever known as anna. and i really do not like this new anna... not one bit.
i apologize for my complaints. i do truly realize how lucky i am to be alive and to have such blessings in my life. i really do. but i do feel as if everyone is entitled to a breakdown every once and a while. and it is my turn, for a sec. i do know that the lord can help me through this, though, and i am so grateful for that. i'm also very grateful for all of the dear friends and family members who have been so supportive all throughout my struggles. i know that it can get old to hear that someone's not feeling too well all of the time, but it really is the e-mails, the text messages, the letters, and the prayers that get me through. i'm sorry for not being the greatest of friends lately.
okay, there goes my twenty minutes of sadness. tomorrow, i will try to throw it away, to look to the positive, and to (re)embrace the sunshine. hopefully, i'll be embarrassed for having felt this way. if anyone has seen the old anna, please tell her i want her back! i hope all is well in your lives.

1 comment:

Katie said...

Hey there-- I know we don't really talk that much, but thank you for sharing this. I really hope that you start to feel better and happier. I can relate to much of what youv'e said, in different ways, and sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. But I guess everyone has some kind of personal struggle they are going through,w hether we realize it or not I've always thought of you as one of the nicest and cheeriest people I've met :) I can't imagine going through the chronic sickness you have, you're a much stronger person than I am. Keep your chin up and never forget how awesome you are! Let's pray for sunshine tomorrow! (I hope this didn't sound too preachy or anything, or weird :)