dear utah,

i don't really like you right now.

though i'm basically recovered from my surgery, 

my sinuses aren't too happy. 

and you're allll to blame. 

it's my first time dealing with these allergy things.

anyone have good tips for even temporary relief?

improvement.

today i wore makeup.

and i visited the salt lake city temple on one of the loveliest days of the year.

i worked for a short time,

and saw one of the most beautiful brides in the world

(who i'm lucky enough to call a friend).

i ate my favorite gluten-free pretzels

and just might've fallen asleep five minutes before byu's winning drive against ole miss.

but then the fam ate cafe rio, watched more football, and relaxed.

as a bonus, 

i finished a few shoots and got some school work done, too.

saturdays are the best.

breakdown.

you can only eat so many lime jell-o cups in bed before you start to feel a little blue.

especially when this isn't the first period of bed-laden-ness you've experienced lately.

to be honest, i'm feeling pretty overwhelmed right now.

with work, with school, with so much uncertainty in the future.

but i do know that these feelings will pass.

and i think that's a big part of life... staying faithful with the knowledge that everything will be okay in the end.

life gives us temporary disappointments, but these are fleeting.

in the end, everything will be taken care of.

but until then...

i'll find little ways to cheer my recovering self up.

i'll keep listening to soul music, working, & getting going with schoolwork,

and maybe tomorrow, i'll brave the kitchen to bake something sweet.

sorry to be such a downer lately. as i mentioned before, it will pass.

thanks for sticking by me.

the long road back...

i've been thinking for a while what to say, how to explain my sudden, unexplained absence from here. and there is really no way to explain it without getting really personal. i'll try and keep it a little bit ambiguous at least, for your sake.

i've spent the past week or so mourning, recovering, and attempting to take a break from my own life.

i have suffered from three years of chronic illness now.

i've had periods of hope-- times when i felt as if i was getting better.

but mostly, i've experienced a lot of pain.

waking up every day feeling awful and trying to find the motivation to get out of bed is difficult. and after three years, it's taxing.

i was blessed with relatively good health for the first part of my stay in europe, but then illness returned midway through my adventures. and it hasn't left since.

so i returned to see my doctor last weekend. and after a week of antibiotics & steroids, it looks like surgery is the only option.

another surgery. surgery number four in the past two years.

this news changed my life... or at least re-shaped my path for the time being.

i am now faced with the heartbreak of giving up a dream.

and another uncertain era of illness.

i think the uncertainty is the hardest part.

i have tried so, so hard to maintain positivity throughout this whole experience.

but this week, i let myself feel sorry. and feel sad. and cry.

i don't know what the future will bring, but i do know that i've been given so much strength and courage throughout these past three years.

i feel so lucky to have been able to accomplish and experience so much, even if i had to "fake" good health to make it happen.

i'm so grateful for those who have stuck with me through all of this.

for my family, who is continually encouraging me, nursing me, and loving me.

i am grateful that my health isn't worse. because i know very well that it could be.

i am thankful for the knowledge i have of eternal life, of what's to come.

and that i know the Lord has felt what i'm feeling, infinite times over.

and someday, i know i will get through this.

and i'll be the good, fun old anna again.

and with this knowledge, i will continue onward.

it's not going to be easy, but i can do it.

i will regain my optimism,

because in the end, it will all work out.

in other words...

i'm back.

thanks for sticking around.

mountains beyond mountains.

well, i'm back in the big co.

and reallly, really happy about it.

but i am already planning my next adventure...

let me explain.

i am kind of interested in health.

extremely interested in health, in fact.

i know this might seem strange, given my past (seemingly never-ending) run-ins with personal health problems, but these problems actually have inspired me in a lot of ways. i want to work in medicine, in providing health care to the sick... to those who don't always get the proper education and care due to unfortunate living circumstances or social statuses. i know how disheartening it is to live with chronic illness; i only can't imagine what it would be like to live with chronic illness in a place where good health care wasn't available.

after reading this book, my desire to work in global health was only strengthened:

this is a biography of paul farmer, a public health worker, anthropologist, & physician.

he changed the world of public health globally, as well as the world of many sickly individuals around the world.

his story is truly captivating & motivating.

seriously, though.

want inspiration? read this book.

why worry?

i think i have sneezed more times today than i've sneezed in total, in the last year.

and i spent eight months of last year with sinusitis.

i slept over ten hours, and i still fell asleep in a movie i was supposed to be watching for class.

i think it's safe to say that i've caught a cold.

i've caught a cold in one of the few busiest weeks of the semester.

i'm busy with work, busy with school, busy with... life.

BUT i'm already starting to feel better, after one day!

good news.

just a cold with all of this stress? after the past three years, this should be nothing! right?

it will all be okay.

as i've been finishing up some work tonight, i've been listening to some of my favorite jams.

namely, mr. lamontagne.

on a brighter note, i'm heading to arizona tomorrow!

and i've got lots of good things to share.

and i'm floored with all of the kind comments i've been receiving on the rockstar diaries' giveaway. thank you, thank you!

spring break dreams.

sometimes, i just want to take a spring break from my own life.

this week has been exceptionally hard.

the hardest of the semester... even more difficult than those gloomy weeks of tonsillectomy recovery.

and that's saying something.

it's right about now that i just want to escape from everything.

to take a break and fly off to my paradise with my family.

to take a hiatus (i wouldn't be opposed to a year-long hiatus...) to costa rica.

but i also know the importance of hard work.

how after that awful, terribly stressful and emotional week is over,

life will carry on.

and i will be happy.

the hard weeks teach us to appreciate the good.

and are crucial in accomplishing goals.

but maybe, just for a few minutes this weekend, i'll pretend i'm in costa rica, listening to this and this.

and all will be well.

i hope that you have a relaxing weekend.

*photo of tamarindo, costa rica. august 2010.

for japan, with love.

i'm joining in with a lot of the blogging world and being silent today.

may we all think about the gifts we're blessed with and pray for those suffering from disasters around the world,

if even just for a minute.

back at it.

wellll, i am back on my feet! out and about, working up a storm... however you want to put it, i've slowly reintroduced myself to the real world. huzzah!

i survived my first real(-ish, thank you mlk jr. day) week of school, and i'm finally finishing up a huuge job from thanksgiving that i'll be posting early next week.

but just to get you a little excited,

a little sneak peek at beautiful bekah's wedding:

the pursuit.

"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise man grows it under his feet."

-James Oppenheim

even though things are still looking a little bleak, there's nothing more i can do than to just chin up and carry on. i've got some pretty great memories to look back on... and many more to look forward to.

happy sunday, to you all.

eating my feelings.

this has been a pretty tough week for me.

after my stitches came out today, i decided that i just want to be done with it.

so i came home and baked gluten-free, chocolate-chip cookies.

the cookies gave the week a few bonus points, at least.

i hope all of your weeks were much better than mine.

cozy days.

after a weekend of unbelievably beautiful, 65-degree weather, this happened again:

i woke up not feeling so great (mind you, daylight savings time didn't do me any favors),

and thus (with some encouragement from mis padres), i decided to stay in my pjs...

all day long.

and i must admit,

napping+ letter writing+ reading inspirational church stuff+ chicken dinner eating+ gilmore girling with my mother= one rejuvenating day.

i am hoping that this day of rest will lead into weeks and weeks of energy and good health.

hey, a girl can dream, right?

stay tuned for updates about alll the adventures that have been keeping me busy!