Monday, August 8, 2011

the long road back...

i've been thinking for a while what to say, how to explain my sudden, unexplained absence from here. and there is really no way to explain it without getting really personal. i'll try and keep it a little bit ambiguous at least, for your sake.
i've spent the past week or so mourning, recovering, and attempting to take a break from my own life.

i have suffered from three years of chronic illness now.
i've had periods of hope-- times when i felt as if i was getting better.
but mostly, i've experienced a lot of pain.
waking up every day feeling awful and trying to find the motivation to get out of bed is difficult. and after three years, it's taxing.
i was blessed with relatively good health for the first part of my stay in europe, but then illness returned midway through my adventures. and it hasn't left since.

so i returned to see my doctor last weekend. and after a week of antibiotics & steroids, it looks like surgery is the only option.
another surgery. surgery number four in the past two years.
this news changed my life... or at least re-shaped my path for the time being.
i am now faced with the heartbreak of giving up a dream.
and another uncertain era of illness.
i think the uncertainty is the hardest part.

i have tried so, so hard to maintain positivity throughout this whole experience.
but this week, i let myself feel sorry. and feel sad. and cry.

i don't know what the future will bring, but i do know that i've been given so much strength and courage throughout these past three years.
i feel so lucky to have been able to accomplish and experience so much, even if i had to "fake" good health to make it happen.
i'm so grateful for those who have stuck with me through all of this.
for my family, who is continually encouraging me, nursing me, and loving me.
i am grateful that my health isn't worse. because i know very well that it could be.
i am thankful for the knowledge i have of eternal life, of what's to come.
and that i know the Lord has felt what i'm feeling, infinite times over.
and someday, i know i will get through this.
and i'll be the good, fun old anna again.

and with this knowledge, i will continue onward.
it's not going to be easy, but i can do it.
i will regain my optimism,
because in the end, it will all work out.

in other words...
i'm back.
thanks for sticking around.


kylee said...

you are one tough girl full of so much inspiration. i'm sorry you're going through what you are but you are obviously one who is handling it with such grace. the lord will always be there and help you through anything. i wish i could be of more help to you.

smashley said...

seriously! if there's anything i can ever do, please let me know!
thanks for your example!

Elise said...

Okay.... this just made me cry. ANNIE. You are so strong, and i know that God has just paved a new road for you to follow that will glorify Him. I love you, and I am always here for you!