Tuesday, February 27, 2018

this motherhood thing.

in the past three months, i've accidentally stolen from target twice. tiny items, like scotch tape + peanut butter, slip so easily under the baby's car seat in a cart, and it's not until after you're in the parking lot that you realize what you've done. the cashier was very perplexed when i went back to purchase the peanut butter the first time around, and when the employee in the lot took the tape back from me, he laughed but was also shocked at my honesty. 

in the past three months, i have sent about a million "is this normal?!" texts to my mom and turned to friends, family, and mommy facebook groups for answers to questions like, "does this look like pink eye to you?," "how do i get blowout stains out of her clothes?!," and "how to do i get her to sleeeep?"

i just laughed at myself the other night after catching myself telling this little twelve pounds of joy, "okay baby, stay right here, and i'll be back in thirty seconds!" when going to pee at three a.m. like she actually understands that notion-- and actually has the capability of moving more than three inches of wiggle away.

but then there are moments-- so, so many moments-- when i see those little brown/green/hazel (clearly still aren't sure what color they'll be!) eyes look up at me, and i feel connected to my core. or when she smiles at us with that face-filling, gummy grin and my heart feels like it might burst. or when we go on a target run and there are zero tears and i'm wearing real clothes. or when she's sleeping peacefully in my arms, and i just can't stop staring.

all this is to say, 
the past three months have been an ever-constant vacillation of "oh yeah, i've got this!" to "oh my gosh, what on earth am i doing?" i think it's pretty standard for every new parent to cycle through these emotions. and as much as i want to be ultra-organized and have this little lady on a perfect schedule while not constantly smelling like old milk and with hair full of spit up, it's just not going to happen.

and it's okay. 
i'm trying. trying really hard. my baby is fed and loved and watched after. she gets hours of snuggles from us every day and is developing beautifully and is really, very adored. 

it may take me a little bit longer to recover from a tumultuous pregnancy and labor and delivery. i may not be a super high-energy mom right now on nights where i don't get sleep. i may not be taking day trips with my baby or out on hikes or skiing. and it's okay.

my aunt sent me this video, and it is the most reassuring, comforting, and uplifting little tidbit for a new mom. so i just want to put it out there to all of you mamas out there: if you're paying attention to your bebe and loving on your bebe, you're doing great. our little ones feel our love.

it is still so surreal to think about the fact that i am a mom, and i'm this little girl's mother forever. but at the same time, this role feels so natural and so right.

this onesie was the first baby item that mateo and i purchased after we found out we was expecting. we hung it on our dresser in our room and dreamt about the little one who would fill it, talking about our future baby every single night. it took a couple of months for isabella to grow into it, but now that she's here, it definitely feels right, and we are so grateful that she's our sweet girl forever.

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