words of wisdom.

today was a new day... a much better day, which is something i am incredibly grateful for. i am a big fan of wednesdays because they are the days that i get a nice little e-mail from my brother who is on his mission. these letters are always filled with little bits of advice, stories, and wisdom from my older brother that i love so very much. the e-mail my family received from him last week was particularly poignant and quite philosophical, however, so i feel inclined to share it with the blogging world. i think there are some definite truths that any person connect to in some way.

Dear Family,

That was probably the strangest title I have ever had for an email. I am full with so many complicated emotions that I am left feeling confused about how I really feel about this. One year ago tomorrow, I left and walked away from everything I had ever known. All my interests. An education. My friends and family. I really left not having any idea what was about to happen to me and I look back a year later not exactly sure what did happen.

This year has been the hardest year of my life. I have never felt so tried, pushed, stretched, or worked. I have often wondered if I really wanted to be here and if all of this was really worth it. I mean, it would be a lot easier to go home and watch TV, right? A lot easier not to even try to help people, who for the most part don't want it. Well, a couple weeks I came to a realization. I was talking to my companion about one of his friends who went home from a mission because it wasn't his thing. Well, I thought a lot about it and realized that almost all the stories from the scriptures were examples of people who did things that probably weren't their "thing". I'm sure Nephi, didn't exactly enjoy killing Laban. I would bet that the early saints didn't really want to keep moving after everthing they had built in each spot. And I'm sure that Abinadi didn't like it that no one believed him. And neither did Joseph Smith when he told everything about the things he had seen. But from all of these examples I learned one thing. That sometimes, we have to do difficult things because it is required of the Lord. Sometimes we have to "gird up our loins" and keep fighting.

Thats not to say that I have only gone through trials in the past year. Because that would not be true one bit. I have had successes, baptisms, and lots of wonderful times. I have met many amazing people, and made some really good friends. But as much as I have tried to help people here, I think that I have been the person to benefit the most from my missionary service.

I am completely different that when I entered the MTC 364 days ago. Not that my personality has changed, which it really hasn't. And I look pretty much the same. But I have seen tremoundous aamount of growth in my maturity and my spirituality. I think the amount of new challenges that I face every day have taught me so many things that I think would have taken me years to learn in a different setting. I have learned how to make goals, plan, communicate myself. I have figured out how to love better and how to have more patience. I have a completely different perspective on life and the blessings that we really have. And of course my testimony has grown incredibly. And I know that I would not have learned these lessons anywhere else. Yes, I missed a year of school. Yes, I missed watching the Nuggets have their best year ever. Yes, I have missed everything that I used to love to do for a year. Yes, I missed spending time with my friends and family for the last year. But in the end, I have gained much more than I ever lost, and I wouldn't trade this experience for the world. The best part is, I have 1 year left.

Love you guys a ton. Have a great week.

love,

Elder Gleave

i am so impressed by all of the thousands of missionaries out there. gosh, that whole serving-others-while-serving-the-lord thing is just the coolest.

feeling a little bleak: take two.

warning: do not read this if you find yourself in any particularly pleasant mood.

remember this girl? that happy girl, with a love for adventure and anything slightly ridiculous and terribly childish?

well, i remember her. and i miss her. though i try and stay positive, today i just cannot do it. i know that i am so blessed in my life and have a million reasons to be happy, but today, this whole chronic illness thing has really gotten me down. being ill for all but four months since march 2008 may not seem that bad, but it is really starting to break me down again. and i think i am finally starting to realize why.

i have always been a summer person. i live for the freedom, the tennis matches in the heat, the boating excursions at the lake, the summer jobs, the cheery rockies games, and the adventures. and as this summer is coming to a close, it's finally hitting me that my summer has slipped away, all while i was resting, in bed. i am re-living those horrid winter memories of my dealings with mono. i wake up in the morning, cry, and want to go back to bed. i am always on the verge of tears-- those poor pharmacists have seen a few too many exasperated tears from me. i see all of the summer sunshine through the window and long to be outside, going for an run through the colorado foothills... though i know it is simply wishful thinking, seeing as i can't even run 1/2 mile at present. and the hardest part is the loneliness; this year has brought loneliness unlike anything i've ever felt. i feel like such a burden to my friends and family. i miss my older brother and my boyfriend. i feel the furthest from anything anyone has ever known as anna. and i really do not like this new anna... not one bit.

i apologize for my complaints. i do truly realize how lucky i am to be alive and to have such blessings in my life. i really do. but i do feel as if everyone is entitled to a breakdown every once and a while. and it is my turn, for a sec. i do know that the lord can help me through this, though, and i am so grateful for that. i'm also very grateful for all of the dear friends and family members who have been so supportive all throughout my struggles. i know that it can get old to hear that someone's not feeling too well all of the time, but it really is the e-mails, the text messages, the letters, and the prayers that get me through. i'm sorry for not being the greatest of friends lately.

okay, there goes my twenty minutes of sadness. tomorrow, i will try to throw it away, to look to the positive, and to (re)embrace the sunshine. hopefully, i'll be embarrassed for having felt this way. if anyone has seen the old anna, please tell her i want her back! i hope all is well in your lives.

feeling a little bleak.

it is the end of july.

so why does it feel like winter?

a pleasant little discovery.

today (okay, more like every day recently) has been kind of hard. as i am going through this illness, it is often the little things that get me through the day: a text message from an old friend, a letter from some corner of the world, a particularly delicious popsicle, or in today's case- the discovery of a new, happy little song. i've been listening to this more or less non-stop today. besides the actual individual, lovely aesthetics of the song, it makes me think of a blissful future, the comfort of pure love, and the beauty of life.

thank you, miss michaelson.

365 down, 365 to go!

i distinctly remember the events of july 23, 2008. i remember how proud of him i was. i remember how impressed i was with his courage. i remember watching him walk through the "missionaries this way" door and the many tears that followed... oh, how we all cried. who knew that a kid who had picked on me for sixteen years would become my closest friend and then be so dang hard to say goodbye to? i mean, it would only be two years...

well, i am incredibly pleased to announce that my big brother only has one year left until his return! in one year, i will no longer have to be so jealous of all of my friends who have older brothers in provo. in one year, i can watch nuggets games with him. in one year, we can begin planning our trip to spain. oh, i cannot wait.

though as of now, i have to be happy for him, as he is having the time of his life in virginia. he loves his missionary life and is doing an amazing job in serving the lord and the spanish-speaking community. he is such an incredible example to me, and i anticipate wednesday mornings each week when i receive my e-mails from him. i just couldn't be prouder. for those of you who've had missionary brothers, i am sure you know the feeling well.

my cute guillermo is just so thrilled to be here...

and he's even happier to be working with these wonderful people!

needless to say, i cannot wait for july 23, 2010. i can't wait to reunite with mi hermano.

i hope this final year goes by a bit more quickly...

oh, and ladies, get excited!

(he is a stud)

hammer down, now.

i sometimes wonder why it is that life can throw us so many curveballs, why it seems at times that once you reach the top of that mountain of a challenge, there is just another taller, seemingly-unclimbable mountain placed in front of you. and i feel as if that is my unfortunate position at present. though, is it truly unfortunate? i know that there is good out of every situation, no matter how terrible it seems.

like when i was a sophomore in high school, running my school's home meet. those cross country meets were quite difficult at times, but i had started this meet out strongly and was leading for the first few miles of the race. all of a sudden, my whole abdomen cramped up like crazy, and i could think about nothing but the discomfort that subway sandwich was causing in my stomach. i pushed on, however, and i finally made it to the last 400 meters of the course. seeing a familiar face, one of my coaches, i managed to get something along the lines of "coach, i'm gonna throw up" in between gasps of breath. though i suppose i expected at least a little sympathy, my coach, ever-so-lovingly responded, "it makes the grass grow. hammer down, now."

hammering down was my coach's way of saying to step it up and dig in to your kick so that you could push through the hardest part of the race. so maybe i need to take this into consideration for my present state of life. though i have been faced again with immense health problems and don't feel well enough to do much of anything, maybe i need to think of this time to dig in and to try to find the positives that could come out of this new challenge--the grass growing, if you will. i guess i will have to give this a try; maybe a bit of extra effort will help me get through it this time... maybe it will he helpful to just get through it and hammer down, now.

oh, what a world.

it is crazy to think that just a week ago, i was here:

praha at dusk.

the john lennon wall... such cool history.

the smallest street in prague.

beautiful praha from the top of old town tower.

fruit stands on the street... this is my kind of town!

prague is easily the most beautiful city in the world. i am convinced of it. the sights, the culture, and the atmosphere there are unlike any other. i highly recommend visiting there to any one. and though i was sad to leave, i will always have all of these amazing memories.

another year gone by...

today...

this little girl turns 19.

i am still in disbelief of sorts that another year has gone by, and i can no longer say that i am eighteen. that whole chapter of my life is gone for good. i am trying to fully grasp the idea of being nineteen... one year older to legitimate, scary adulthood, and one year further away from that glorious childhood i cherish so much. i feel as if i have done so little in my nineteen years of life, but i suppose i (hopefully) have at least a good fifty years to make up for that-- i've gotta get going! and though i feel entirely too immature to be one year away from the big 2-0, i suppose it's okay to remain a child at heart. for one more year, at least!

¡feliz cumpleaños, a mi!

also to note: a little preview of how i spent the last weeks of my eighteenth year of life.

i love prague.

i love mi familia.

i love my friends.

i love life.

ich liebe dich.

ich liebe dich=i love you, in german. and if i could figure out how to say "i love germany" or "i love life" or even, "i love europe" in a rapid amount of time, i would make it happen. luckily, my english capabilities are much more applicable and readily available. so i will try to briefly try to express my love for the places i have visited. prague is the most gorgeous city in the world; it is so unbelievably pretty that i do not think any words or photos can even do it justice. salzburg is just lovely with even lovlier surroundings; the alps are incredible. i am now in fussen, and it is just the quiantest little town with the prettiest countryside surrounding it and two giant castles up against the mountains that are just like "oh hello, world" wherever you look. i can highly recommend coming to this side of the globe; i only wish i had more time to fully experience it all! though the little tastes of it that i have gotten have been excellent, i'd say. i hope all is well in the u.s.a... ich liebe dich to all!